So there’s this new show called Fringe! At least I guess it’s new. Since I might as well be living under a rock, I’m not really sure. But it still seems to be in its first season, at least.

I am watching the episode “In Which We Meet Mr. Jones,” without having previously watched all the other episodes. Let’s see how I fare, shall we?

This isn’t exactly liveblogging, since I’m watching on hulu. But frankly, who cares?

Military boats, and a sinister drum corps. Generic “military” chitter-chatter. Lost-esque titles telling us this is Weymouth, Massachusetts. Not an auspicious beginning from my point of view, as I do my best to ignore the existence of Massachusetts.

Everyone converges on a rather dull-looking truck, containing stuffed pandas. Cuties!

The sinister guy from Lost receives a report of the Panda caper. From the looks of things, he has wandered away from an Excedrin commercial onto the set of 24. I applaud this parsimoniousness: in these rough economic times, waste not, want not, I say.

Mumbling, Budapest, a heart attack, and overturned chairs. Jack Bauer won’t be pleased with the state of his office when he gets back.

In case you were wondering, this is not an ordinary heart attack, but rather the work of a THING, which looks just like Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors. Rather cute, in a stomach-turning sort of way.

The uber-quirky Walter Bishop is on a quest for mints, but neither Pacey nor SGFL have any. Everyone here has the same headachy look as the SGFL. Walter Bishop is a great admirer of the THING. “Feed me, Seymour!”

The characters get out of that two-bit hospital set and return to one with much more scope for quirk, Walter’s lab at Harvard. Once there, they let us know what the THING is, by means of much talking.

A character named Astird, I mean Astrid, appears. Apparently, the writers have deemed that this character does not require a personality.

I am getting a headache just looking at Olivia Dunham. Nothing less comforting or informative than her speech to the victim’s wife could be conceived by the human mind. The wife has a program for a performance of “A Christmas Carol” and some lists of numbers for Olivia.

The THING does not take kindly to being poked with a scalpel. Who would? DNA Testing! Science! “DNA testing should tell us much!” I do like this quirkiest of characters.

“I don’t know if it’s *good* news, but it is *something*!” Great line reading, Pacey. I don’t care for the Pacey actor. He always gives the impression that he is facing the camera full-on and shouting all his lines. More lecturing! Fine by me. Lecturing is the most efficient way of conveying information. Do you hear me, freshmen of Aquinas College? The most efficient way! Wake up, quit texting, and pay attention! …Oh, sorry, forgot where I was.

A recurring line of DNA may be a code! Hi, Astrid. Just come right out and tell us what it is. Somebody’s been reading Dan Brown. Olivia determines, somehow, that the code translates to ZFT, which causes both her and SGFL to get that look they would get when the voiceover starts talking about the many benefits of Excedrin. The headache medicine!

Blah, blah, David Jones. Was he responsible for this? I’d think he’d be too busy tending to his locker. HAHAHA! Olivia and SGFL sit down to discuss The Pattern, obviously a metaplot element I’ve missed out on. The THING may be the work of Jones, but those scoundrelly Germans won’t allow the U.S. access to him. He’s in Frankfort, by the way. *Frankfort*. This scene does not want to leave you in any doubt of that.

Olivia may be able to get in. To Frankfort. Huh. SGFL posits that superpowers may be necessary for this feat. Not to diminish Olivia’s achievement, but all an American needs to access anywhere in Germany is a valid passport. I mean, I’ve done it, and I’m no brain wizard Superman.

“You’re not really going to Germany?” “Yeah! I’m going.” Geez, burn on Germany. An inexplicable moment of tension, as SGFL challenges Olivia’s ability to go to Germany, whereat she takes major offense. The victim’s name is Loeb by the way, which makes me think maybe Leopold panicked and tried to shut his mouth for good.

Pacey lunges toward Walter. “WHAT’S WRONG?” he barks. Maybe he’s the reason everyone else has headaches. “Walter! C’mere! What Is That!” I’m no MD, Pacey, but it looks like a saline drip.

Olivia calls Pacey to fill him in on her travel plans, for some reason. “The bad news is, I have to go to Germany…” grumps Olivia, with a look of pure petulance on her face. Boy, do these folks hate central Europe. Meanwhile, it’s not looking so good for Loeb.

FRANKFURT, GERMANY. Someone is holding helium balloons with the stripes of the German flag on them. Odd. An awkward meeting between Olivia and some guy. The man has contacts at “the prison,” where Jones is apparently. The prison looks just like the airport on the outside.

Meet Johann Lennox, the prison warden and an important enough character to have his own name, first and last.

As an avid scholar of the German language (“Of course, I think it is the most beautiful language in the world”), here is my translation of the conversation in German between Olivia’s friend (Whose name is Nougat, if I hear correctly) and Lennox:

Nougat: There are certain things which you can use, and it is already difficult to talk about these things.
Lennox: You think you can help me? Your name is laughably stupid!

That’s what I got out of it, anyway.

Olivia knows that Lennox has his reasons for not allowing access to Jones, but she really really wants to see him! She’s willing to sign anything! To prove this, she breaks out her own mad German language skillz:

Olivia: For example, that I was never here. Also, I have the worst freaking headache right now.
Lennox: I too have a terrible headache, and if I were to smile my face would break into one thousand pieces.

That last line will no doubt appear in a deleted scene.

Back at Quirk Labs, Walter quirks it up and Pacey jabbers irritatingly, recapping Walter’s history in a mental institution for those who missed earlier episodes. A fellow who looks something like Adam Arkin calls SGFL, reporting that he’s down with the ZFT, and blah blah, the guy they need is a Joseph Smith, back from the dead and very annoyed that people like me are always mixing him up with Brigham Young. Naw, it’s a different Joseph Smith.

Meanwhile, in prison, Olivia receives word that Jones will talk to her if he can first talk to a fellow named…Joseph Smith! Olivia confers with Pacey, and declares that Joseph Smith *must be kept alive*! Pacey races off in his gold station wagon to apprise the forces which are surrounding Smith’s house of this, but it is too late! Or is it??? Walter orders Pacey to bring him the head of Joseph Smith. Astrid appears briefly in this scene.

In an unnecessary scene, Nougat, whose first name is Lucas, propositions Olivia. Then, back to the action.

“Does Jones know about Smith?” Pacey speed-yells, sounding like the setup for a joke dating from the days of vaudeville, while driving the gold station wagon in an irresponsible fashion.

At Quirk Labs, Walter is setting up for a quick convo with a deceased Joseph Smith. Walter talks and talks until Pacey finally shuts him up by dragging up an old grievance about his dad experimenting on him with electric shocks, like way to hold a grudge, Pacey. Besides, now is hardly the time. Pacey literally huffs and puffs in anger. I’m not sure whether the experiment worked or not.

During another scene with Olivia and Nougat, I catch a quick nap. The scene is interrupted by Pacey calling Olivia to tell her the experiment might have worked. I’m put in the unpleasant position of being grateful to Pacey for having interrupted that scene, but am not sure why he and Olivia have to call each other every five minutes when they don’t actually have anything to say to each other.

Astrid is in the following scene. I enjoy Walter’s characterization of the late Joseph Smith as “our naked friend.” Meanwhile, back “im Deutschland,” Olivia lies to Jones that Smith is alive, and so begins the dangerous and dubiously ethical procedure of talking to dead Smith via Pacey, whose head is electronically connected up with the dead man’s. You’re correct, that sentence didn’t make any sense. However, Jones does reveal that the Audrey II in Loeb (remember him) is his, Jones’s, doing. Pacey is injected with a mystery substance, and reacts by giggling like a schoolboy. Whatever. SGFL and Loeb’s wife come bounding into the lab, all “What’s all this ?!?”

In prison, Olivia and Jones are seated tete-a-tete, and Jones wants to ask Just One Question: “Where does the gentleman live?” Suspense ensues as we wait to see whether Pacey will get the answer! Then, as the prison guard arrives to eject Olivia. Pacey cries out for paper! “Untie my head!” he gasps, amusingly. On the paper, he sketches a series of parallel lines; unfortunately, no one gets the gist of Smith’s meaning. I think it looks like a pedestrian crosswalk. The gentleman lives in Abbey Road? In prison, the prison guard shakes a chastising finger at Olivia for not leaving right away. Finally, they reconstruct the lines as the words “Little Hill,” and Jones directs an injection of something or other into Audrey II. It works!

Next, Olivia and Nougat are shown riding around in a car. Nougat offers to dig up more info on Jones. She smilingly agrees. Ah, the Excedrin is kicking in.

In the hospital, Loeb is feeling much better, and SGFL lectures Olivia for a while about something unimportant. Then Pacey arrives. It’s a regular class reunion. Instead of going in to visit Loeb, though, they wander off to not get a bite to eat. When they are gone, it turns that it was all a plot by Loeb and Mrs. Loeb to get the answer: Little Hill.