While shopping at Meijer yesterday, I noticed that they’ve added a Redbox machine, where you can rent a DVD for a day for $1. Always a sucker for fancy new methods of media consumption, I found myself poring over the list of available movies. There was a reasonable spread of available movies, but none that really captured my imagination… except for one.

I knew full well that it would be bad. But I love the first two Alien movies, and that love obliges me to watch each sequel as it comes out, no matter how increasingly wretched they progressively get. And so it was that, after Angry Teti opened some early Mother’s Day gifts, we retired downstairs to watch… Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. I don’t know why she insisted on watching it with me, but I’m glad she did, because it let us record for posterity some of our commentary as the horror unfolded. Spare yourself the horror of watching this, and instead read on. You’re not missing anything. I’ve added a few timestamps in case you inexplicably want to actually watch the movie:

The opening credits roll…

Angry Teti: AVPR! Avv-purr!

AT: Are those baby predators?

Byzantine: Those are baby aliens.

AT: That was a “good” beginning.

AT: I have no idea what is going on.

[4:30] AT: How would you like to be the actors in this movie? Are those people going to be the main characters?

[5:30] AT: So… they’re not the main characters after all.

AT: This is exactly what I imagined this movie would be like—without human characters, and incomprehensible.

[9:20] B: Think this guy will die a grisly death?

AT: I’d say the chances are good.

[12:00] Laughter…

[12:30] AT: Do you think that kid’s going to die a grisly death?

B: I think so…

AT: This movie has a very 80s vibe to it.

B: Oh boy, I hope I get to watch an alien burst out of that kid’s chest…

B: OK. I’m not watching that. [fast forwards though scene of alien bursting out of an 8-year-old’s chest]

AT: Hey… is that Michele whats-her-face? From 24. Her movie career is launched!

[16:00] AT: Another thrilling scene…

B: This scene makes no sense.

B: You know what would be really thrilling? If we get to watch the aliens repeatedly prey on defenseless homeless people.

AT: You know what else would be really thrilling? If we got to watch the exact same scene over and over again.

AT: This is the opposite of suspenseful.

[18:35] AT: Ah, a suspenseful scene of the Predator tapping his forearm for 5 minutes.

[20:58] Both: Awwwww…

B: I’m in suspense here. Might one of the aliens in those tanks… still be alive?

[22:08] B: The predator inexplicably didn’t bring any weapons himself, apparently, because he’s looting the other predator’s body.

B: I assume we’ll get to see this little girl attacked and brutally killed by an alien in a moment.

[23:10] B: Harsh.

B: “Good” scene.

[24:50] AT: This is an homage to the final scene in The Third Man.

B: How far down the sewer did that guy throw the keys, anyway? He dropped them down the sewer grate, and they’re exploring the entire sewer system in search of them.

B: Do you think something scary might happen here?

AT: Ah, probably not.

AT: And how did he pick that spot to look for his keys?

B: Maybe that funny-looking “rat” took your keys. Why not follow it?

[29:20] AT: What’s he doing now?

B: The predator is getting rid of all traces of… ah, I don’t know.

AT: Why is he killing that guy?

B: Unclear. But I hope this movie will involve more killing of innocent defenseless humans.

B: With this many characters, I guess anyone can die and there’s a mild level of surprise in it.

AT: So he takes care to get rid of all those traces, but then he leaves the giant skinned body there?

AT: That guy is like, “I’m getting dressed in my truck!”

B: “I saved my shirt for out here.”

AT: This doesn’t get any more interesting the more we see of it.

[34:00] B: All the male characters are completely interchangeable.

B: If I hear that whipping noise one more time when something looks around…

B: Could they be more subtle in calling attention to the corpse-evaporating thing?

[36:50] AT: Well?

B: There’s a huge amount of sizzling and gurgling going on, given that this is supposed to be a silent stalking.

B: Well, that was actually slightly cool.

AT: I like how that van just drove by as the street was exploding around it.

B: The predator explodes up through the street, and then he turns on the stealth device.

[40:35] [Laughter]

B: What is it with the drawing-out of the killings?

AT: Another enthralling scene of people sitting around looking concerned.

[42:00] AT: It’s the alien alarm!

AT: I’d love to see somebody stop and slowly look over their shoulder where the alien is waiting one more time.

AT: Oh good. These two again. They’re going into… the school? Oh, the swimming pool.

B: She positioned herself by the clock to set that line up.

AT: I’m going to go get some Diet Coke. Don’t pause the movie, I don’t think I’ll miss anything.

[47:00] AT: Which one of them got killed?

B: Unclear.

B: This is a ripoff of a scene from Aliens.

AT: Are the aliens interfering with the radio reception now?

[52:00] AT: This is a very tall tree.

[53:00] B: One of the main characters just said “Hey, people are dying.” And another one just said “This plan is stupid.”

AT: So… the police don’t have any weapons? The police are breaking into a pawn shop to get weapons.

AT: What’s on fire?

AT: Who is this now?

B: The army.

AT: Laughs

B: Ah, there’s the old “slowly turn around to face the alien” trick again.

B: They’re going to the pawn shop too?

AT: Everybody meet at the pawn shop! It has everything we need to defeat the aliens! Including Old TVs!

[58:00] B: [the alien enters the newborn ward of a hospital and eyes the babies there] You have got to be kidding me. This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

B: OK. I’m not going to watch this. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I refuse to watch it. [Fast forwards]

AT: Why is the predator attacking the humans?

B: OK, I’m not watching this either… [fast forwards again]

[1:05] AT: Those teenagers are still with them?

AT: Well, the predator’s getting serious now. He’s got… a thing.

AT: What good is a helicopter going to do anyway? It can only carry a couple of people.

[1:08] AT: “Here, take this… thing.”

[1:10] AT: This is an awkward moment.

AT: Why are they protecting Kelly? Who cares about Kelly? Does she know how to fly a helicopter? She does not look like someone who knows how to fly a helicopter.

AT: Where are they? Why are they in the morgue?

B: Unclear.

B: You know the predator is a super badass when he kicks in the hospital door instead of just opening it.

B: What’s going on exactly?

AT: I’m not sure. I forgot to watch for a minute.

AT: Who was that who just died?

B: One of the characters.

AT: As long as it wasn’t Kelly.

AT: What is that? Is that another predator?

B: No. The main monster in this movie is a combination predator/alien called the Predalien.

AT: [Incredulous laughter] Who calls it that?

B: Oh no!! The alien’s got the corpse remover liquid!!

B: Who was that who just died?

AT: Looks like their helicopter pilot has just been killed.

B: You’ve got to give them credit for killing off the character they set up as the main hero.

B: The alien is TOTALLY GONE. It’s safe. It went down that hallway there. It is nowhere to be seen.

[1:16] AT: This is a very, very small town.

B: His name is Dallas? A reference to the first Alien movie, I suppose.

AT: Did he figure out how to work the predator gun?

B: Apparently.

AT: What is Dallas going to do?

B: Unclear.

AT: He’s calling the aliens names now.

AT: See, this person knows how to fly the helicopter.

B: Wait, maybe this is Kelly?

B: “F— you?” That was the laziest imaginable one-liner.

AT: There’s the predator. Or is that the predalien? The predator has a whip thing now.

B: What could be less exciting than watching these two things fight each other?

AT: I can’t even tell which is which.

B: You know, it really is hard to tell which is which.

[1:23] B: It is not possible to follow what is going on in this scene.

AT: Maybe they’re going to kill each other. Dramatic!

[1:24] AT: The nuke seems like overkill. Look at them outflying the nuclear blast!

AT: What are they… doing?

AT: So, the army killed the whole town, but they’re sending in a medevac for this one guy.

[1:26] AT: Oh my gosh. [groans]

B: This music is a complete ripoff of the Star Trek 2 theme music.

[1:27] [Shocking ending and closing credits] [Laughter]

AT: Well. That was the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The worst movie. In every way.

B: It managed to be terrible and kind of mean-spirited at the same time.

AT: The Mystery Science Theater with the lobster was better than this movie. Oh my goodness. I don’t understand how this movie got made. Did somebody involved with this movie think that it was good?

B: This was a really bad movie.

AT: I thought Alien Resurrection was bad, but this was REALLY REALLY bad.