The Chacojones loves to eat. What makes the Chacojones fantasize about hanging marketing executives upside down is having to learn a new vocabulary for each chain he eats at.

When did the memo go out to Corporate America that naming their product sizes ’small/medium/large’ was for the testicularly challenged? At some point, marketing executives, bored with their lives, frustrated with their women and needing to invent something to make them giggle, got together to invent the worlds most annoying game - letting Ridalin-deprived art school dropouts name the sizes of their companies servings.

The most famous is of course the Starbucks pseudo-italian, which I might argue is also the most annoying, because when you order a ‘Grande Latte’ at Peets Coffee, not only do you feel like a tool (as well you should) but then you get the look of disgusted attitude from the emo hippie freakshow serving you, which then forces you to hurt them and puts that extra felony on your permanent record.

A special award for being kicked in the metaphorical corporate nuts is Tully’s Coffee chain, which has given up and actually adopted the ‘tall/grande/viente’ pointlessness. If coffee chains were Europe, Tully’s would be the 1940 France of the stimulant beverage continent. That’s right, in this metaphor, Starbucks is Germany. Live with it.

However, there are even more annoying serving sizes out there.

You want a tasty Jamba Juice? Would you care for ‘16oz’, ‘Original’ or ‘Power’? What the hell is that? These three sizes are not even in the same semantic categories. One is named after the order in which it was introduced, another is the volumetric measurement, and the other is a completely subjective adjective. I have thus re-named them ‘Wussy’, ‘24oz’ and ‘A Bit Later’. I encourage everyone to follow suit.

You feel like a delicious Cold Stone iced cream? Your choices are ‘Like it’, ‘Love it’, or ‘Gotta have it’. Seriously? Only in America could a company base the naming process for their serving sizes on the proposition that one’s desire is directly proportional to volume. The thinking here is apparently that if you like the ice cream, you would naturally have a normal amount, but if you truly love it, you will obviously need to gorge yourself unconscious. Yet, when you go in to order a pint and ask for an “I’d Murder a Man for It”, they just stare at you before they call the cops.

So, unless you want to start seeing tasting spoons re-named “I’ll Choke It Down”s, please join me in openly mocking every establishment that does not use ’small/medium/large’ on the menu. And if you meet anyone responsible for this trend, kick them in the Chacojones.